did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
