Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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