well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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