I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
