I CAN MOONWALK!
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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