i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I believe in your delicious
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
