I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
