I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
