you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
They have beer where we have blood.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
