I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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