my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
