I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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