I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
