Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
