I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
