I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
