a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
