I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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