You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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