I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
