this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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