I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Randomize
