He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Randomize