Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
