you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
