Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
