call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
