you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
