I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
