just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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