You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
