How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
