i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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