Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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