Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
