If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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