I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
