I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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