The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm like, not good at living.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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