I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
