So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
