I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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