it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
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You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
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I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.