He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
