The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
