I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
