So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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