No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
