WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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