he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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