I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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