I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I didn't notice because vodka
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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