I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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