i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
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