see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
