Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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