She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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