I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
