I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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