right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
