I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
