i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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